It's May? The year's nearly half over? When did this happen? Why wasn't I told?
I don't make yearly plans, anymore. Since my son was born, I've noticed that my attention span matched his, at whatever age he happened to be when I was trying to get something done. He was an infant when I started a file called 'shorts' which became a lengthy string of glimpses of scenes, which could stand on their own, but were really a way of keeping track of ideas for longer works. I could write a couple in a sitting, and then he'd need something, and off I'd go.
He's 12, now. Not only can I sit for a couple hours and do ONE thing, but I can -most of the time- remember what I was doing so I can return to a project and -sometimes- finish it. I've been looking forward to this for YEARS! BC (before child) was a time of prolific production for me, and I've been nostalgic about the lists of things I wanted to get done since my tummy was big enough to block my access to my computer.
Don't get me wrong, here. I wanted to be a mother. I trained for the responsibility I fought for the ability. I wept when I failed, and more when I succeeded. I altered my Contract for this experience. This was not a simple process for me, and many were the opportunities to decide not to continue trying. I do not regret the outcome. My son is a blessing.
So, for this Mother's Day, I thought I'd try to put into words the ways he has brought blessings into my life. I am grateful for all of them.
I am truly grateful that I chose to stay, and was worthy of such a gift. I am grateful he chose me. I am grateful he stuck with me when his little bodies died, and kept coming back. I am grateful for my Spirits, who held me when no one else was there, who kept encouraging me, who told me the outcome when I was in surgery and wouldn't let me forget it. I am sooo grateful for my OB, who kept me strong, healed me, and kept the little body that finally survived alive even though I couldn't. I'm grateful that he watched all this, and still stayed. I'm glad he likes his name, though he still asks me what it means. I'm grateful he's healthy and cancer free. I'm grateful he likes some of the things I do, like painting and writing. I'm grateful he's strong and funny, and likes my stories. I'm grateful he and I are still here to celebrate Mother's Day.
I haven't stopped training for this responsibility, so maybe I'm prepared for adolescence. I'm grateful for the humility to know I've missed something, and the willingness to hunt it down when I figure out what it was. It will be something I really need, I'm sure. I'm glad I can see the humor in whatever. That's been a Goddess-send.
This is the second Mother's Day I've also been a wife to Joe. He's needed more mothering than my son lately. The infection is on the run, the PICC line is out, and I'm not on 'tiller patrol, but those months of convalescence... There's a spot I missed in my training, and I did have to hunt for the answers. (The bit about a sanity transplant is still out, though.) I'm really glad he's feeling better. I am grateful for the reality check that my Contract can be altered for something so sweet and joyful as the love of my sweet husband. I was beginning to wonder what I was going to do when I finished with raising this boy.
As soon as the question was asked, here comes Joe.
Answers rarely come in words, but part of the skill in 'presence' is recognizing them. Mother's Day is a day that reminds me that I've been answered more than I realize. I am grateful for the whole of that process. My own adulthood. My fertility. My child. My husband. Shade under this beautiful umbrella held by Creator, made of Orixa and shared with Spirit. The sum of a life-gift of -now- 32 years I didn't expect. We remind each other daily how grateful we are to be together on this journey.
Mother's Day may be a whole day set aside to say/do things we don't usually think of. As we mothers get gifts, accolades and a break from the usual, we can be mindful of how we came to be in such a venerated space. As we children give our gifts and accolades, we can be mindful of the continuum we are a part of, and how we can integrate the Sacred in a form of gratitude we carry and share every day. It's good that we have days set aside for such things, but they are reminders of how we should be living daily.
And yes, now that they're older/healing, a little trickle of creativity that has nothing to do with dinner, laundry, a clean face or weed-pulling is flowing back into the keyboard and paintbrush. I'm back to studying, reading like a fiend, and actually have finished some things I've wanted to do for a while. I don't plan to give up this mothering day job, but I'm grateful I have re-found my old ways of occupying myself now that he's too big for fingerpainting in the bathtub. This time next year, maybe I'll be finished with Kethiny's Mural, too. :)